Epic Life Events That Sound Better In Your Head

Written by Claudia Turner


Art by Coco


You’re picturing flying caps and Animal House. No. Your parents ditch you after the ceremony and you’ll tag along to your one extroverted friend’s party for ham sandwiches.

Losing your virginity seems romantic

But no. Just asbestos ceilings, miniature bunk beds and the realization that Mr. Darcy was only a frat boy with a bet to see how many girls he could sleep with during freshman year.

Engagements are special

You met The One and he takes you to the finest restaurant and places a ring on a martini olive, the symbol of eternal love. Wrong. He needs a GoPro but promises to find a cheap ring on Amazon before you’re pregnant.

Marriage is every young girl’s dream

But don’t forget the naggy mothers and the one sibling who gets drunk and destroys the cake. You’re better off eloping on a quiet morning with one trusted witness and a bottle of cheap merlot.

Having a baby sounds touching and unforgettable

It is, because you’ll be in hours of pain, and the outcome is a little breathing human you’re responsible for for the rest of your life.

Death is sweet release right?

Surrounded by loved ones after a long, fulfilling life? Actually the chances of that happening are pretty slim. You could be hit by a bus, fall in a tree well, be the victim of a murder suicide or slowly wilt under a disease you don’t know about yet.
But life is beautiful, so rest assured, between misery and disappointment there will be moments of willfully stubborn joy. This is your life after all, so fuck reality and keep dreaming.


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