Is Your Job And Everyone You Work With A Bit Shit?

Written by Kemi

Art by Coco

Art by Coco

Oh the daily grind. Apparently there are people out there who just happily bounce out of bed at 5am, go on a morning run and arrive at the office before everyone else does, looking fresh, perfectly put together and ready to get shit done. I hate those people. 

Although the chances of meeting the love of your life on a Sunday night at Berghain are significantly higher than those of finding yourself in the perfect job situation, you shouldn’t give up on the concept. There’s an unwritten rule that says that you can’t have a great job, great coworkers, and a good salary at the same time, and that’s OK. But, when you find yourself in the nightmare situation of having a shitty job that’s badly paid while being exclusively surrounded by basic people who stare at you blankly after you’ve cracked the joke of the century but go full on roflcopter when someone quotes Gilmore Girls, you better get creative. Follow our survival tips to avoid becoming YouTube famous for having had one of those workplace meltdowns

1) Quit your job

Now, you might not be in a situation that allows you to do that immediately, but at least consider it. Consider it on a daily basis. Finally handing in the notice for a job you hate is one of the great pleasures in life and I can wholeheartedly recommend it. However, if this isn’t an option for you just yet, there are also other ways…

2) Find allies

They’re out there, trust me. If there isn’t even that ONE person at work that gets you, find people outside the office to confide in. Be it the moody barista from the coffee shop around the corner who gives you just the right dose of pretentiousness and charme, or the local crack junkie who once used to work in media—there must be a semi decent person somewhere. If getting an intern is an option then go for it, by all means. They’re young and energetic, only there for a short time and will do everything you tell them to do. If they happen to be disgustingly hyper-motivated, take advantage of your position and load off all your dreaded work on them. Win-win. 

3) Collect evidence

When basicness curdles into offensiveness, evidence is key. You never know, maybe you’ll be that lucky person who’ll score a ridiculously high settlement pay after initiating an employment tribunal, and won’t have to work for a substantial amount of time afterwards. You might wanna lie low after you’ve successfully burnt those bridges to the ground. Colombia, Thailand and Mexico all sound like great options for sipping margaritas on a beach while your ex-senior management holds crisis meetings with their accountants (it was a big payout, after all) and enforces some much needed sensitivity training.

4) Vent 

Be it sports, sex, vicious arguments with their SO or a combination of these activities—everyone lets off steam in a different way. If needed, open the window, scream at the top of your lungs and then return to that Excel spreadsheet. Just let it all out regularly, it’s cathartic. 

5) Embrace the lonely lunch

Being in no company is better than being in bad company. If everyone you work with makes you want to bang your head against the wall repeatedly until you lose consciousness, then you might want to consider heading out for lunch on your own. You might also want to consider ordering a big glass of red wine or a beautiful, perfectly aged whiskey to accompany your meal. Enjoy the gift of silence while you’re having lunch with the greatest person in the office… yourself. The only person you’ll have to interact with is the waiter, who gets paid to be nice to you. Enjoy this me-time, browse tinder and fix yourself a date for the week. Oh lonely lunch, what a productive time you are! 

6) Look for jobs while you’re at work

When you really DGAF anymore, this is by far the best way of making use of your remaining time with the company. Find a quiet spot, put on a serious face and nobody will dare asking you if you’ve got a moment to help them meet that deadline tomorrow.

7) Quit your job

Let’s face it, if you’ve followed all of the above tips this is the only logical thing that’s left to do. It’s also the only thing that’ll keep you sane until you’ve found another job that sucks the life of you—but maybe, just maybe that next job will be a slight improvement to the current situation.


Fatten up — you might as well

Now that your banging body will be hidden under layers and layers of fabric, you might as well add some extra insulation to stay warm. The added benefit is that it keeps the heating bills low, which is good for the environment. All these extra meals (especially when they’re organic) are basically your contribution to stopping climate change and saving the planet, you wonderful, selfless human being!

Work remotely

If your job negotiations didn’t include discussing flexible work arrangements you’re a fool! But don’t worry, you’re not alone. Come winter, “working” remotely or at least “working” from home is everyone’s dream and annoyingly, we all know people who are already living their nauseatingly envy-inducing dream lives. We’re happy for you, but also, maybe… not? Anyway, these jobs are definitely out there, but there are downsides too: You won’t get to see, hear and smell your coworkers for 40+ hours per week, and you’ll have to get through the day somehow without drinking the best coffee in town, playing ping pong or chilling on those über cool bean bag chairs (courtesy of your super edgy workplace), so think this important lifestyle change through before making this sacrifice.

Finally get shit done or, failing that, get nothing done at all

Winter is so boring that you might actually stand a chance of getting shit done. Shit you should’ve done in summer when you were busy having an epic time doing things you can’t remember now. Time to finally sort out your documents, bills, finish that project or pick up a post-ironic hobby. In short, be productive. If that doesn’t sound like you then fuck it, be that grubby winter blanket, get messy weekend after weekend — and don’t let anyone shame you for it.

Frenetic holiday planning

Everyone has a different definition of fun and pain. Some people have a jolly good time when they see their loved ones during the winter holidays. Others aren’t massively into shelling out (financially or mentally) for an underwhelming family reunion that usually opens with someone saying “You’ve gained weight” followed by “Are you pregnant?” followed by a long speech about your waning fertility.

If that’s not what you consider as having a great time, then use the money you’re saving on not having procreated and splash it all out on a ridiculously overpriced trip abroad. It’s not like you’re going to enter the housing market anytime soon anyway, so you might as well shorten winter by going on a holiday with people who are actually fun to be around with — and then return to the city with a big smile on your bronzed face because spring is finally within reach.

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