2017: A Masturbation Odyssey – Reviewing Tenga’s Self-Love Toys For Men & Women.
2017: A Masturbation Odyssey — Reviewing Tenga's Self-Love Toys For Men & Women.
Written by Team Daddy
Art by Tenga
Review #1: Tenga’s masturbation toys for men
For a single gay man in Berlin masturbation isn’t really necessary as the next willing willy is just around the corner. This said, if you’re not into anonymous sex or if you’re concerned about ending up with several STDs after a one night stand (which, trust me, is a possibility in Berlin) then your hand is often the best option. So when my friend asked me to review a bunch of masturbation toys I thought: What do I have to lose? And how much pleasure do I have to gain? (A LOT)
The first toy was the TENGA ORIGINAL VACUUM CUP aka Deep Throat Cup. It comes pre-lubricated, so obviously before using it, I had to do the obligatory ‘close your eyes and show me your finger’ move on my flatmate, which grossed him out, but made me and my best friend dissolve into laughter. But back to business. Its design means it can only be used once but there are also reusable versions available. So, with no lube necessary, I embarked on my wank odyssey. As the tool doesn’t really look sexual, I resorted to my good old friend porn. Upon inserting my penis, I could immediately feel the design, which I’m telling you, is all sorts of pleasurable. After the WAVE ZONE, which are basically little knobs of joy you reach the 1 WAY VALVE, which embraces your bellend in a way that makes it feel like it’s massaged by clouds. The Cup kept on making a really weird sound, which was a result of the vacuum. At first I thought that this was to make it a little more realistic as the sound definitely reminded me of the ones I’ve personally made when deep throating in the past. Then I realised that there is a little sticker that covers the so-called Air Hole, which is there to regulate the vacuum. Long story short, the orgasm was amazing thanks to the toy’s internal design. Another big advantage is that you can come inside, pull out and all the mess stays in the toy. Afterwards you can just throw the whole thing away. I know, right? As an eco-conscious Berliner, and citizen of this planet the thought of one orgasm creating so much pollution is unacceptable. I would definitely recommend investing in one of the reusable Vacuum Cups instead. (Starting at €10)
The second toy was the EASY BEAT EGG – WAVY EDITION. The ad on the website is quite funny and it basically looks like an egg made of this amazing material that was previously only available in Japan. If you need to think of a material, think of silicone, but then upgrade to the Porsche version of it. You put the egg on your bellend and yank it up and down. The amazing fact about this pleasure gadget is that it stretches easily, which is convenient when you’re well-endowed. Due to the stretching, the inside waves kind of get lost though. This said, it’s an amazing tool to seek a moment of pleasure with when alone and at the end of the day it still feels like an upgrade from the old stalwart: a sock. Again, all the unwanted fluids stay inside and it’s easy to dispose of after use. (Starting at €8)
Next on the list is the TENGA 3D SPIRAL. As I had already reached climax twice and wanted to write a review that was as honest and truthful as possible about my new masturbation friends, I opted to try this one out the next day. It comes in a transparent plastic cylinder, which makes it look quite posh. It reminded me of a drill head, which may initially seem daunting, but then I realised what a masterpiece this little fella was. You turn it inside out, so the outside spiral relief is inside, lubricate it and the show begins. It feels absolutely amazing. At first, it all feels a bit unfamiliar as the material is not as natural as the Deep Throat Cup. However, once you’ve adjusted to it every stroke just feels like the real deal. It is also made of this incredible silicone-like material and will ultimately make you experience an orgasm that doesn’t only come from the bellend, but from several spots along the shaft. Definitely one to try. As I already mentioned earlier, Tenga products are really easy to clean afterwards, which also applies for “the drill” as I call the Tenga 3D Spiral. (Starting at €28)
Last, but so definitely not least is the FLIP ZERO (0). It’s an absolute diamond in the masturbation gadget world. Trust me, I’ve tried out four of them! It has a very futuristic design, but at the same time looks like a tool you would use in a SPA; a real beauty. It also comes in a beautiful see-through plastic jar bell. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out how to open it, but I put that down to my own stupidity rather than the product design. Once the slide arms are removed you can open it like wings, which makes it very easy to clean after satisfaction has been reached. The slide arms can also be used as a drying stand. Apply the lube inside and once closed (and after you’ve dabbed a little bit of lube around the entrance hole) the fun can begin. The inside design is just mind blowing (and it definitely blows more than just your mind). After the penis is inserted into this beauty it makes its first encounter with the ripple dome. Just imagine a hallway full of mega flexible columns you need to slalom through. That’s how it feels, just better.
Closer to the top, you’ll be stimulated by the so-called ridge wall, which only intensifies the experience. Once through this initial joy you will pass the Triple Chain Gate, which I can only describe like the super soft brushes like in a car wash, just for the penis. Finally you reach the layered end orb. That’s when you know you have arrived. It really feels like being inside someone very special and stimulates the bellend from literally every side. With this one it did not take me long to achieve those ultimate seconds of joy. What struck me most about the Flip Zero (0) is how realistic it felt. I can only describe the feeling as a combination of Fellatio and Anal at once. On top you can also apply pressure from the outside to create this amazing suction. This one is definitely my favourite and will also always have a special place in my heart for being the first sex toy I have ever been stopped with at airport security because they couldn’t figure out what it was from the X-ray footage. (Starting at €45)
The verdict: I definitely had a lot of fun with these sex toys. Even though I didn’t have the chance to try them out with someone else, I can imagine them being an entertaining and joyful addition to regular sex or if you’re looking to spice things up when time has left its tracks on the sexual life of a relationship. As for me, it has been great to try out new things and it’s good to know that if I ever have a lateral epicondylitis aka tennis elbow, there are still alternatives to pleasure myself.
At no point in my “masturbation journey” did I ever consider purchasing small, cutesy vibrators that can be confused with decorative elements or cosmetics. My logic was always, what’s the point of having a tiny pocket-sized vibrator for your handbag when you can have an adult-sized one in the bedroom? However, I have to admit that the thought of having sex toys handy that help me to blow off some steam between boring meetings or while travelling abroad was tempting, as regular vibrators just take up too much precious space in handbags and carry-on suitcases…
Tenga Iroha’s STICK is a lipstick shaped battery-driven vibrator made out of solid plastic. It allows you to increase or decrease its intensity by twisting the end, similar to using an actual lipstick – although its design certainly won’t trick anyone into believing that this toy goes anywhere near your face. The stick definitely gets the job done, but that’s about it. It is made for the clitoris rather than for your vagina and I wouldn’t recommend using it in a dead quiet office toilet as you’ll still hear a faint vibrating sound. I can, however, imagine it being very useful when you’re at the airport and have to kill some time because your Easyjet flight has been delayed… again. It could also be a great, gimmicky gift for your horny friend. (Starting at €13)
Tenga Iroha’s KUSHI, TORI and YORU all look really cute and inconspicuous. They also make your fingers superfluous as you’ll never want to masturbate manually again after using them. If it wasn’t creepy AF you could easily keep these toys on your office desk and nobody would have a clue what they are looking at. The difference between the three versions lies in the shape of the tip, which is designed to stimulate the clitoris and, in the case of KUSHI, can also be inserted. But honestly – forget insertion, the 10 different modes make sure that no matter how gentle or hard you like it, an orgasm can be achieved within just a few minutes. 3 minutes precisely in my case. Pretty mind-blowing and addictive, especially if you, like me, resort to masturbation whenever you can’t fall asleep, are bored or are “working from home”. Can get embarrassing if you keep them under your pillow, friends stay over and find them – but whatever, I never slept better and these little toys are much healthier than popping sleeping pills. Bonus: the toys are waterproof, USB chargeable and made from silicone. (Starting at €69)
The verdict: Iroha’s high-end toys are AMAZING and I’m currently considering chopping off my hands as their service is no longer required. At the time of writing this review, Tenga’s latest series of toys for women hasn’t been released yet but there are two new penetrative toys available now, called MIKAZUKI and MINAMO, which look very promising, too.