On the Couch With the Dr Daddy Team – Fuckbois, Restless Souls, Ageing Gays and Not Giving Head

Written by Daddy Manny

Dr Daddy

Art by Coco

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Dear Dr DADDY,

I’ve been casually hooking up with a fuckboi and got completely lost in the sauce. He made it quite clear that he’s not looking for anything serious and I pretend to be okay with it even though I’m not. Sex with him is out of this world and before hooking up with him I thought that the g-spot was a myth. I tried not seeing him, had sex with other men to distract myself but I always ended up going back to him. It’s been going on for over a year now and I can’t bring myself to end it because the D is just too good… The fact that he lives in my neighbourhood, winter is approaching, and dating apps depress the hell out of me doesn’t make it any easier. I’m a hot mess. Help!

Laura, 29

Dear Laura,

You already know what to do: end this toxic situationship ASAP! Yes the D is good, yes winter is approaching, yes the g-spot does really exist – but a year of hooking up with someone who’s not into you is a wasted year. Don’t people say that a woman’s sexual peak is in her thirties? Did it ever occur to you that the current guy could be just the first of many to hit your g-spot? Forget this fool as there’s plenty more dick in the sea. Happy fishing!

Love from the Dr DADDY team

 Dear Dr DADDY,

From New York to London and from Melbourne to Berlin, I have lived in many exciting cities and count myself lucky for having made so many friends across the globe. However, lately none of this seems of any value and I feel that my restlessness and nomadism resulted in me missing out on friends’ milestones, always meeting the right person at the wrong time, and not being able to truly live an adult life (I’m in my thirties, don’t possess a driver’s licence and still live in a flatshare). All my friends back home either live in beautiful apartments, own their homes, are married, have children or successfully run their own businesses – the most annoying ones have all of the above. Whenever I see them I can’t help but compare myself to them and feel like a bit of failure.

Objectively I know that these material things don’t matter and that I could have had all of that if I had stayed, which I chose not to do. Still, I wonder if it’s time to end my nomadic lifestyle, finally grow up and settle somewhere. At the same time the thought of doing that sends cold shivers down my spine as I don’t even know where I’d want to live and if I could ever be happy staying in just one place. What should I do?

Clarice, 37

Dear Clarice,

Stop showing off, we’re all cosmopolitans here.

On a serious note: while traveling expands your mind, constantly moving from place to place can become both addictive and exhausting. You probably experienced more than your friends who never left their hometown, but it might also mean that you reach certain milestones at a later stage.

For some, moving cities can also become a very expensive way of running away from their problems. If you truly keep meeting the right people at the wrong time then why did you never decide to stay and make it work? Instead of mourning what you believe to have missed out on, try focusing on what you have: friends around the globe, the courage to just pack your things and move to a new place when you feel like it, and a laid-back attitude when it comes to material possessions.

If you don’t feel like settling down yet then don’t force yourself to do it, as it will only make you unhappy – but if it is what you want to do now, then pick your favourite place and give it a go. At least you know that you’re fearless enough to pack your bags and hit the road again if everything fails. It may sound cheesy but the only things that’s stopping you is you.

Love from the Dr DADDY team

Dear Dr DADDY,

Whenever I go to gay bars and clubs I feel old, irrelevant and out of place. I’m introverted, chubby (in gay terms) and often take drugs to be a more fun version of myself – even though the comedown makes my depression flare up and sends me to pretty dark places.

I hate casual sex and would love to be in a meaningful, monogamous relationship but I feel that especially in Berlin this makes me a total freak as no-one ever seems to look for anything serious. I’ve never been in a committed relationship and sometimes wonder if it will ever happen for me.

All the men I meet come with serious baggage now, and so do I tbh, so that’s not helping either… Looking for love on grindr or dating platforms seems so pointless but maybe I should give it a go again?

This is just a side note but I’m also not into Madonna, Lady Gaga or other “gay icons” and I’m sick and tired of pretending that I like their music.

Dominik, 41

Dear Dominik,

Definitely take the part about Madonna and Gaga to your grave.

The gay community can be tricky to navigate in, as youth and toned bodies are put on a pedestal. Casual sex is readily available while monogamous relationships are harder to come by – but trust me when I say that there is someone out there for you. You are not a freak for wanting to have all of this.

If you feel old and irrelevant in gay bars and clubs then why hang out there? Look for alternatives, find a hobby, and then see if there’s a more fun, gay version of it. You’d be surprised how many gay choirs, rugby teams, pottery classes you’ll come by if you search hard enough. And if you don’t like what grindr et all offer then try other ways of meeting men. It’s totally fine not to be a “stereotypical” gay man, it’s great even. Fuck stereotypes! We all come in different shapes and forms.

Lastly, stop taking drugs if they only make you feel rubbish. Your mental health should always come first. And now put yourself out there!

Love from the Dr DADDY team

Dear Dr Daddy,

I met a cute man and we’ve gone on several dates, had sex and get on really well so far. While I feel like there’s definitely chemistry, it is starting to bother me that he never ever goes down on me while I do it regularly.

His dad is Persian but my man grew up in Germany and always says that he’s about as Muslim as I am (I’m an atheist), so I don’t think he’s avoiding my vag for religious/cultural reasons. I have no idea what’s going on – we spend hours cuddling and being intimate yet he never even looks at my pussy. It is starting to make me feel very insecure and I don’t know how to address it. I find these conversations very cringe and worry that I’ll put him off doing it for good.

Should I stop giving head if he doesn’t reciprocate it? Push his head down gently next time he’s on top and kisses me? It’s starting to drive me mad! What should I do?

Ana, 24

Dear Ana,

There’s no easy way to approach the subject, so just dive in head first (excuse the pun). There are lots of reasons why your man might not be into cunnilingus. It might be a preference thing, he could be a hygiene freak, he might be culturally Muslim, or just not into it, just like some people aren’t into rimming. Bring it up in a joke and see how he reacts, and if he really doesn’t enjoy doing it, then perhaps he can find other ways to satisfy you. Whatever you decide to do, shoving his head down while he kisses you might not be the best way to address the subject. Good luck!

Love from the Dr DADDY Team

Dear Dr Daddy,

I am very lucky in lots of ways. I was struggling to make enough money in London as a DJ and writer. Then a dance magazine in Berlin offered me a marketing job. I am doing what I love, promoting music that I think matters. My girlfriend was willing to come with me and we managed to find a flat together no problem (I hear this can be hard at the beginning).

But I grew up in London and I never found it hard to make friends. Here I have plenty of female friends and gay male friends who I know through my girlfriend but I don’t have any straight male friends I really like. I know this sounds stupid but it matters. I don’t have anyone to take the piss out of me or to have banter with.

I am starting to wonder if I should just move back to Britain. I am starting to feel lonely and bored here.

Chris, 26

Dear Chris,

What’s the problem with only having female and gay male friends??

So let me break it down: you’ve got a job you love, a girlfriend who moved to another city for you and you made lots of new friends – but because none of them is a straight man, you want to uproot not just your life but also that of your girlfriend again and move back to Brexit Britain? Sounds a bit selfish, don’t you think?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get proactive! Making new friends as an adult can be daunting but it doesn’t sound like you made much of an effort so far. You work at a dance magazine – surely there are some straight male coworkers you can hang out with? Visit events and hang out in places that are frequented by British dudes if their humour is what you’re missing here – trust me, Berlin is full of them! Whatever you decide to do, stop whining before your girlfriend and her friends have had enough of your pity party.

Love from the Dr DADDY Team

Hey Dr D,

I just wanted to say I really like the column! Please keep on doing your good work.

But I also have a problem of my own. I don’t really like my boss. We work in a tiny startup together and there are only 5 of us. I have never worked for such a small company before and it is suffocating. He is always micromanaging me even though I am older than him and have more years experience in this field. If I take a coffee break that’s 5 mins too long, he’ll be snappy with me all afternoon. If he’s having a bad day, he’ll take it out on me and criticize something about my work. When I try and offer suggestions for improvements, he takes it personally which is strange because at any startup you need to change things in the beginning. So my job feels meaningless. I cannot really change or improve the company (not that I need to, but working long hours in a startup, you get invested). I am thinking of quitting but maybe there is something else I should try first?

Regards,

Anonymous, 33

Dear Anonymous,

Thanks for the kind words!

If you dislike your boss, work long hours and feel like you’re not making an impact then it might be time to take your passion and expertise elsewhere.

Life’s short and finding the right job is like finding the right partner: you’ll have to kiss a few frogs before finding the right one. If you’re more experienced than your boss then perhaps it’s even time to take the plunge and start your own thing?

Whatever you decided to do, stop wasting your time and energy at this startup (90% of them end up failing anyway).

Love from the Dr DADDY Team