ON COCKBLOCKING YOURSELF
In this post-Girls, post-Schumer, post-Fleabag era, our TV sets tell us time and again: women like sex. Women crave sex. As a modern, empowered woman, you want to be boned pretty much *all* the time, even when it’s bad (according to Hannah Horvath, especially when it’s bad? ‘Cuz then you can blog about it). But this line of argument ignores the obvious: sometimes you’ve just started dating someone and they’re fun and unbelievably hot and amazing at making out but — still — you don’t want them bumping genitalia with yours just yet. Maybe you’re feeling about as horny as an old tennis sock. Maybe your work stress is off the charts and the thought of touching another human being makes you want to gouge out your nerve endings.
But that’s OK. You don’t have to read your latest love-victim the last six pages of your diary. You just started dating and honestly? It’s none of their business — yet. The one thing modern-day lady-fronted TV doesn’t seem to spell out is the wide world of contraceptives-that-aren’t-actually-contraceptives. I’m not talking about condoms or the pill. I’m talking about the sort of stuff daily life throws up that means you’re not even going to have an opportunity to get anywhere near sexual activity. Less stopping sperm from fertilising your eggs, more, stopping you two from getting naked just yet.
If you’re short-sighted, praise whatever deity you think is worth tipping your hat to. While, aged fourteen, you were convinced that your speccy-ness would mean you’d never get laid, I promise you, aged twenty, this means you’ll always get laid — that is, when you want to and not sooner.
For whatever reason, no human on this planet, no matter how observant they are, will be able to tell you off the top of their head whether their flatmate uses daily contact lenses (so, no contact lens solution) or monthly (so, solution). Their lack of clarity with regards to the contact lens solution is your solution for not having sex with them yet. Meet as close to their house and as far away from yours as possible, and when it gets to the deciding moment, shrug mournfully and promise to bring a bottle of solution with you next time. You wear monthlies and it’s your last pair. Sowwy.
Is the joy of hosting couchsurfers about vibrant cultural exchange and becoming part of the rich tapestry of the global travel community? Or is it just a really good excuse to not get naked with that person you want to make the beast with two backs with (but not yet)? Probably the latter, IMO. Meet near yours and don’t mention sweet, earnest Francine, the Belgian gap year student kipping on the spare mattress in your room until it’s past midnight.
The original, the best. Women’s menstrual cycles have been cockblocking them since sex was invented. Sure, Jenny Hval et al. are making periods increasingly trendy, but the revolution isn’t going to take place overnight. It’s going to be at least a few millennia before dudes aren’t sketched out by women bleeding out of their private parts. They might claim they’re feminists and so, so chill about sleeping with someone for the first time while that same person is gushing rivers of blood but you know and they know you know they’re probably lying, so it’s fine. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 orgasms. Go home.
EARLY MORNING CLIENT-PRESENTATION
Admittedly only really works if you have a vaguely bougie office job: but still, an effective way of swerving boning if you do. It’s also diplomatic, because it implies you think their sexual potency is such that you’d be a quivering wreck after a night of shacking up with them and that their genitalia could derail your entire career. And you know what? MAYBE IT COULD.
Sex is everything. But acting like women are always going to be up for it feels like a fundamental misconception of what it means to be a human. I’m not an Amy Schumer sketch and I’m guessing you’re not either. Sometimes, for whatever the reason, you want to bone, but not yet. With the above, you’ll be covered enough to unapologetically skip fucking until whenever the mood takes you.
Written by: Sophie
Images by: Coco