The Life-Changing Magic Of Being A Rude Bitch
Oh, Berlin. When people talk about the things they love about the city they usually mention some kind of freedom — the freedom to be who you are, the freedom to express yourself sexually in every conceivable way and of course the freedom to lose and find yourself in the city’s countless clubs. If you, like me, couldn’t care less about these freedoms because you’re on the fast track to becoming old and irrelevant, there’s still one thing that Berlin has to offer: the freedom to act like a total bitch.
Talk to others like a rude bitch
Being polite is nice. It makes human interaction more bearable but let’s be real, when you’re dealing with people who aren’t worthy of your attention then nothing’s more satisfying than telling them to get lost and carrying on as usual. In no other city have I been yelled at or insulted more without anyone around me giving a flying fuck. There’s no need to take it personally or wonder why people lack basic social skills, instead I recommend rolling with it. Ending a conversation because you couldn’t care less what the other person has to say is totally acceptable in Berlin, and it can also be incredibly liberating.
Go grocery shopping like a rude bitch
When you enter a shop and the person at the cashier immediately yells at you that they’re closing, just grab a shopping basket, throw it on the pyramid-like in-store display of Ferrero Rocher, caress every single piece of fruit and vegetable in the shop in a leisurely fashion while loudly discussing your sex life via your headphones and leave the store 20 minutes after closing time, waving two middle fingers at everyone. On your way home you might think that you’ve crossed the line this time, but rest assured, you were the friendliest person the shop assistants saw all year.
Date like a rude bitch
Chances are high that you haven’t been asked out for a while, but it’s okay because A) you’re a rude bitch, B) people don’t get asked out on dates in Berlin and C) romance is dead. Every blue moon it happens though, and when it does, you better date like a rude bitch. Fuck salad and order onion rings with garlic dip and a side of beans instead. Burp loudly and unbutton your trousers whenever you feel bloated. Leave halfway through the meal to meet your friends or do something more interesting if your date exudes the charm of an old tennis sock. The night is young but you aren’t, and there’s no point in wasting your time with someone who bores the living hell out of you (and looks nothing like their online dating picture).
Walk the streets like a rude bitch
One morning, on the way to work I almost cycled into an older lady who stood on the cycling lane, vodka in hand, and took a swig from the bottle before violently smashing it on the streets and laughing like she was possessed. That picture haunted me for a while, but today I think back fondly on that moment, because the lady was a rude ass bitch who didn’t care what anyone thought of her. #goals
Do the 9 to 5 like a rude bitch
It’s inevitable, you have to make money somehow, so why don’t you do it with a lot of attitude? Show up late and walk in while shouting at someone on the phone. If anyone asks, give them the death stare. Pass all the work on to someone who’s more junior and terrified of you. Say NO to absolutely everything and spend most of your working day micromanaging others. Type passive-aggressive emails, and do it loudly. Never start or end an email with small talk because let’s face it, you really couldn’t care less how anyone spent their weekend, and never, absolutely never take shit from another rude bitch.