IS YOUR JOB AND EVERYONE YOU WORK WITH A BIT SHIT?
Oh the daily grind. Apparently there are people out there who just happily bounce out of bed at 5am, go on a morning run and arrive at the office before everyone else does, looking fresh, perfectly put together and ready to get shit done. I hate those people.
Although the chances of meeting the love of your life on a Sunday night at Berghain are significantly higher than those of finding yourself in the perfect job situation, you shouldn’t give up on the concept. There’s an unwritten rule that says that you can’t have a great job, great coworkers, and a good salary at the same time, and that’s OK. But, when you find yourself in the nightmare situation of having a shitty job that’s badly paid while being exclusively surrounded by basic* people who stare at you blankly after you’ve cracked the joke of the century but go full on roflcopter when someone quotes Gilmore Girls, you better get creative. Follow our survival tips to avoid becoming YouTube famous for having had one of those workplace meltdowns.
1) Quit your job
Now, you might not be in a situation that allows you to do that immediately, but at least consider it. Consider it on a daily basis. Finally handing in the notice for a job you hate is one of the great pleasures in life and I can wholeheartedly recommend it. However, if this isn’t an option for you just yet, there are also other ways…
2) Find allies
They’re out there, trust me. If there isn’t even that ONE person at work that gets you, find people outside the office to confide in. Be it the moody barista from the coffee shop around the corner who gives you just the right dose of pretentiousness and charme, or the local crack junkie who once used to work in media—there must be a semi decent person somewhere. If getting an intern is an option then go for it, by all means. They’re young and energetic, only there for a short time and will do everything you tell them to do. If they happen to be disgustingly hyper-motivated, take advantage of your position and load off all your dreaded work on them. Win-win.
3) Collect evidence
When basicness curdles into offensiveness, evidence is key. You never know, maybe you’ll be that lucky person who’ll score a ridiculously high settlement pay after initiating an employment tribunal, and won’t have to work for a substantial amount of time afterwards. You might wanna lie low after you’ve successfully burnt those bridges to the ground. Colombia, Thailand and Mexico all sound like great options for sipping margaritas on a beach while your ex-senior management holds crisis meetings with their accountants (it was a big payout, after all) and enforces some much needed sensitivity training.
Be it sports, sex, vicious arguments with their SO or a combination of these activities—everyone lets off steam in a different way. If needed, open the window, scream at the top of your lungs and then return to that Excel spreadsheet. Just let it all out regularly, it’s cathartic.
5) Embrace the lonely lunch
Being in no company is better than being in bad company. If everyone you work with makes you want to bang your head against the wall repeatedly until you lose consciousness, then you might want to consider heading out for lunch on your own. You might also want to consider ordering a big glass of red wine or a beautiful, perfectly aged whiskey to accompany your meal. Enjoy the gift of silence while you’re having lunch with the greatest person in the office… yourself. The only person you’ll have to interact with is the waiter, who gets paid to be nice to you. Enjoy this me-time, browse tinder and fix yourself a date for the week. Oh lonely lunch, what a productive time you are!
6) Look for jobs while you’re at work
When you really DGAF anymore, this is by far the best way of making use of your remaining time with the company. Find a quiet spot, put on a serious face and nobody will dare asking you if you’ve got a moment to help them meet that deadline tomorrow.
7) Quit your job
Let’s face it, if you’ve followed all of the above tips this is the only logical thing that’s left to do. It’s also the only thing that’ll keep you sane until you’ve found another job that sucks the life of you—but maybe, just maybe that next job will be a slight improvement to the current situation.
*As Kate Moss has proved when she lost the plot on an Easyjet flight, being basic is gender-neutral.